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The everyday blog of Richard Bartle.

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8:03am on Thursday, 16th July, 2026:

Triangle

Anecdote

There's still no fibre-optic connection to our house. The installer said he'd come "after 9 o'clock", which if he ever does show up will be technically correct, but he certainly gave the impression he meant some time yesterday.

In other news, our village is currently suffering from roadworks. Here's the map.

It's basically a triangle. The red dots indicate where the roadworks are.

The one on Chapel Road is across the entire road and there are "road closed" signs to warn people they won't be able to get past. This is only true when there's no-one working there, because you can sneak past if there isn't a van in the way. For most of yesterday, it was indeed clear, although most people didn't know that because they obeyed the road signs and turned round before they found out. The roadworks are to fix a problem with a leaking water main.

The roadworks on Lexden Road are three-way, so we all have to wait in case someone wants to come out of the cul-de-sac. These are caused by the sinkhole I mentioned last week, which has yet to attract any repair crews.

The final set of roadworks are caused by BT Openreach, who are hooking up a new estate to the Internet. I guess the middle of the road is the only possible place they could have placed an access shaft. No cherry-pickers were in evidence, so this isn't the source of our Internet-connection woes.

We have to go to the supermarket today. I fully expect that in the hour we're out, the installer will return to finish the job.

7:24am on Wednesday, 15th July, 2026:

Cherry Picked

Anecdote

Well, I don't have my fibre-optic Internet connection yet.

The chap came round yesterday and installed everything, but he didn't connect the unit to the telegraph pole. This is because he's not allowed to use a ladder without there being a colleague present.

So, he didn't know that he was going to have to climb up a telegraph pole, even though everyone else whose house he has connected to the telegraph pole required him to climb the telegraph pole?

His colleague, it transpired, commanded a cherry-picker, so no ladder was necessary when he was present. He wasn't present, though, because he was installing someone else's cable. He would, however, be present later in the afternoon.

He wasn't. He couldn't make it because he had to go to an emergency. My guess is that "go to an emergency" is code for "go home because he overran".

We should be connected up this morning.

Yes, well we "should" have been connected up yesterday afternoon....

8:39am on Tuesday, 14th July, 2026:

Please Confirm

Anecdote

We're finally getting a fibre-optic Internet conenction down our road. Today is the day they install it in our house.

The village has had fibre-optic for a few years, but not our road: too few people wanted it. We have to use either BT''s ADSL service, which because we're seven miles from the exchange is pitifully slow (but reliable), or an airwaves connection operated by County Broadband, which is fast (but unreliable).

The original plan was for County Broadban to provide a fibre-optic connection that was staggeringly fast, but obtaining permission to dig up the streets delayed the process. During that period, Virgin Internet (which already had a licence from doing other towns) swooped in and installed fibre-optic cables. This put an end to the dreams of County Broadband.

Some time back, BT decided that using copper cables to connect to people's houses was slow and expensive, and got permission from the government to upgrade to fibre-optic. They had previously tried to do this in the 1980s, but the Thatcher government stopped it because rival operators such as Cable & Wireless complained it was unfair competition. We could have had a world-class fibre-optic network for forty years, but by mistaking infrastructure for a service, we didn't.

Anyway, BT Openreach began replacing phone lines with digital connections some time ago, and have eventually reached our road. There are people living in isolated hill farms in Wales that got it before we did.

The installation will be this afternoon between 1pm and 6pm. Openreach asked me to confirm by replying to their text message with CONFIRM. I did this. Then, a few days later, they asked me to confirm by replying YES. I did this. Meanwhile, M Group, which is sub-contracted to do the installation, asked me to confirm by replying Y. I did this. They also asked me to reply Y over WhatsApp. This I did.
BT itself didn't do this. They phoned me, and sent me a text with a code number in it to make sure they were they were speaking to the correct person.

If the installation doesn't work, I can still use County Broadband. If the installer manage to break the County Broadband line, I can still use my phone as a hotspot. I should therefore be able to report back on how it went tomorrow.

I think our landline phone might not work after this, though, so if you're one of the four people who ever uses it, call one of us on our mobile phone instead.

10:13am on Monday, 13th July, 2026:

Abacus

Weird

My younger daughter sent me this photo of an abacus she bought for her toddler.

First, it's a stretch to call it an abacus.

Second, some of those letter/picture combinations are, well, somewhat uncommon in wider toddler literature.

Orang utang! Paint! Quebec! Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer!

9:13am on Sunday, 12th July, 2026:

Bobby

Weird

You don't see many papier maché bobbies with pie-cut eyes around these days.

I came across it in an antiques shop. Apparently, it was used for advertising, although I don't know quite what it was hoping to sell.

Yours for a mere £120.

8:23am on Saturday, 11th July, 2026:

Prang

Anecdote

As I reversed out of my drive yesterday, I hit a stationary vehicle (a van). There was no-one in it at the time.

I'd switched the radio on, but it wasn't making a sound — and neither was the reverse proximity sensor. The camera that shows what's behind when I'm reversing wasn't on, either, although I'd only glanced at it anyway; I was looking in my mirrors, because there was a car coming up the road.

Anyway, after having struck the van, I returned to the house to assess the damage. It wasn't all that bad on either vehicle: a couple of scrapes on the corner for me and a dent on the wing for them.

As my handwriting is so bad, I wrote a note saying I'd hit the van and invited the driver to knock on our door to discuss the matter. I also said I was sorry.

Then, I went to buy some chips, which is what I was reversing out to do in the first place.

When I returned, the vehicle's owner was talking to my wife. He said not to worry about the damage, as his vehicle was always being hit down his road. He was only parked outside our house to do some plumbing work nearby. He didn't want to claim on insurance, or to accept any money for repairs; for him, it was just one of those things that happens to his vans. He said he was impressed by my honesty, because I didn't have to own up to having hit his van at all, he'd never have known.

I tried to give him some money anyway, but he wouldn't have it. We left on very good terms.

It''s good to know that there are still some really nice people in the world.

I didn't even get his name. If I had, I would have called him next time I needed a plumber, for sure!

8:09am on Friday, 10th July, 2026:

Fragile

Comment

I note that the Bayeux Tapestry has arrived in London.

I wonder if the people who have been saying it's too fragile to move will still be making that point when the time comes for its return to Bayeux.

8:24am on Thursday, 9th July, 2026:

Little Men

Anecdote

At the base of the exterior wall of Dedham church are painted small silhouettes of figures that look like the top half of the sign for a male public lavatory.

I was going to make some remark about how they added one each time they shot a non-believer, but it turns out they're there in remembrance of all the Dedham soldiers who died in World War I.

They should put up a sign or something, so random people parked outside don't make wildly inaccurate speculations.

7:49am on Wednesday, 8th July, 2026:

Out-Takes

Weird

When I was marking my students' work, I kept a list of some of the bizarre things they (or ChatGPT) wrote in their assignments and exams. I only show them to the world when the students' tenure at Essex University has come to an end. They're anonymised, so I don't know if any of the students have to resit a year, so I wait a year just in case.

I have two sets left. The one for students, the bulk of whom graduated this year, I shall keep until next year. Here are the out-takes for the students who finished last year.

--------

Succumbing to theses temptations carries dire consequences

This component has the power to build suspense and engorges players to interact

The face of humanity hangs in the balance

Just starting out on your carer, your arsenal and skills are limited

He is faced with a number of ethnical decisions

Alfred finishes his evil plot to plunge the world into nuclear winter by dating nuclear bombs.

In the yeah 2102, he reigned supreme as the criminal Mastermind of Cynic City

by doing so, he is proving his innocents in a framed murder

Cars do not move without a someone.

One of his bullets fits my arm as I hide behind the tractor

Players may choose from three very unique races: orcs, elves, or humans.

He was born with exceptional skills in digital forensics and ethical hacking

The player's main objective is to whip out the entire group.

Players navigate through a society on the brick of collapse, where danger lurks around every cornea.

They were going to have to learn to survive in the harsh outlook of Australia.

he embraced a lifestyle cantered around holistic wellness

A thought bouble above my head shows a milkshake that my character wants.

As im walking on the wooden flooring of the hallway it is making creeking noises.

I find a chest of draws with a pair of fluffy socks in it

Some games don't find ways to allow users who unfortunately suffer from Colour Blindness and Being Deaf.

They need to test that the vehicle can move and break.

Attention is good wether good or bad.

the people that were behind him began to look at him with vengeful and glutinous eyes

each turn throughout the mines lead to forgotten passages that were long used.

they are individuals who suffer from Xenophobia which is people who fear strangers that they don't know.

His father is cryptid and doesn't spend much time with his son, causing issues with their relationship.

The doctor gives him a neckless that will help him activate the portal back once he has found the cure for the illness

in an instance he is transferred too somewhere unknown

He loses his way in the underground ladyrinth

he presents her with an enchanted compass that reacts to the map's location and teaches her basic swordplay.

WHERE THE HEAL IS THE POTION?!

Some major events will appear on the screen, while some smaller events will appear on the screen.

8:28am on Tuesday, 7th July, 2026:

Sinkhole

Anecdote

The latest pothole to appear in our village is 50cm across and 50cm deep. This qualifies it as a sinkhole.

Unlike their protocol for regular potholes, the local highways authority erects barriers around sinkholes.

I expect they'll remain until the hole heals naturally.

Referenced by Triangle.

8:24am on Monday, 6th July, 2026:

No News

Anecdote

I didn't watch the England match last night, but I want to watch it. I also don't want to know the score before I watch it.

This is going to be a challenge.

I didn't stay up to watch the match because we're lookimg after our grandson today. I can't watch it while he's here, because my wife believes that the slightest glimpse of a moving image on a screen will scar him for life. I watched the first ten minutes of the game before we went to pick up our grandson, but I won't be able to watch the remaining 80 (or possibly 110) until maybe 7pm.

I'll have to avoid all news, so even if Presidents Trump and Putin both dropped dead at the same time, I wouldn't know. I managed to avoid hearing any discussion of the result when I stopped to buy some milk, but I'm steeling myself for when I upload this post to Facebook.

I could maybe watch a few minutes if my wife were to take out grandson out in the pushchair somewhere, but she wants to watch the match, too. Worse, she knows the result. All she's told me is "there's drama".

It's going to be a long day.

[Edit]
My wife managed to get our grandson to sleep for 80 minutes, and kept the TV on for injury time.

Ye gods! That was epic. I'm glad I didn't stay up to watch it, or I'd have never got to sleep afterwards.

9:01am on Sunday, 5th July, 2026:

Open Window

Anecdote

My wife leaves windows open in hot weather, to support her crusade against air-conditioning.

I'm used to flies coming in and heading straight for where I'm sitting on my computer, but yesterday some kind of pigeon or dove flew in through the bathroom window. Fortunately for me, it got trapped behind the Venetian blind, so we didn't have to capture it to return it to the wild, we just had to open the window more.

No pictures, because my wife and daughter (who discovered it) wanted it out immediately. They didn't even ask me to do it, they were that keen on having it gone.

It must have been there for some time, because we kept hearing this cooing and didn't know what bird was making it. It wasn't the usual racket that pigeons make, but it sounded like one. Only after we found it did we realise it was probably a distress call.

I've replaced my toothbrush and the bar of soap that were in open containers on the windowsill. I don't want to brush my teeth or wash my face with something a pigeon has used.

8:57am on Saturday, 4th July, 2026:

Squirrels

Weird

When you put them near each other, it's clear these Hornsea Pottery squirrels are cast from the same mould.

Somewhat ironically, squirrels didn't live in Hornsea or the rest of Holderness until about thirty years after these ornaments were made, and there still are only a few pockets of them. The first live squirrel I saw was in York.

In Colchester, they live in our garden and feast on walnuts.

8:26am on Friday, 3rd July, 2026:

Fancy That

Anecdote

This café-made French fancy has about eight times the volume of the Mr Kipling ones you get in the shop.

Wife: Those French fancies look good, but they're a bit big. Do you want to share one?
Me: No, I want a whole one all to myself.

It was delicious.

8:59am on Thursday, 2nd July, 2026:

Second Half

Anecdote

Well, I watched the England game yesterday despite knowing the half-time score.

My younger daughter arrived during the break.

Me: Do you know the score?
Daughter: Yes, but you said you were recording it and didn't want to know.
Me: Have there been any goals?
Daughter: (hesitantly) ANY goals?
Me: Sigh. So DR Congo got one. I wanted to know because if there'd been no goals then we could have skipped the first half.
Daughter: (helpfully) There was one goal.
Me: OK. So we're one-nil down at half time.
Daughter: Oh well, you can skip it after the first five minutes, anyway.

I should have known better. This is, after all, the woman who, when asked at her baby's gender-reveal party if there was anything inside the balloon she was about to burst, replied "only blue paper".

I didn't skip the first half, but watched the whole match. Only the hydration and half-time breaks were skipped. England really do like to put their fans through the wringer.

Next time, I'll ask her if it's goalless at half-time. Unless the answer is "yes", it'll probably still be a risk, though.

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Copyright © 2026 Richard Bartle (richard@mud.co.uk).