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4:21pm on Monday, 30th October, 2006:
Anecdote
So, I wanted to buy some US postage stamps.
Back in July, I asked for volunteers to read the draft of my children's book, The Knights of St. Judas. Several people offered to look it over, although only one actually did so (and I made changes as a result). This kind of implies that the others weren't exactly enthused, but undeterred I decided I'd try find a publisher anyway. The US publishing market is more open to new authors than is the UK market (ie. even if you don't work for a publisher or know an agent, you still stand a greater-than-zero change of being published), so that's where I'm aiming. I did my research, found a company that might like what I've written, and looked at their submission guidelines. They want me to send them three chapters, a synopsis and a covering letter, plus a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
So, I need some US stamps.
I found a post office near to the hotel, and explained my predicament. Here's how the conversation went:
Me: Hi, I live in England and I need to send to send a stamped, self-address envelope to the USA.
Clerk: You can't.
Me: Why not?
Clerk: Because US postage stamps don't work in England.
Me: No, I'll use English stamps to send the envelope to the USA. I want to buy US stamps so the people I'm sending it to can send it back.
Clerk: You can't.
Me: Why not?
Clerk: Because you'd be sending it from England, not from the US.
Me: OK... Well suppose I was in the US and wanted to send something to England. Could I do that?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: OK, well how much would it cost to send something roughly the weight of a magazine?
Clerk: How much would it weigh, exactly?
Me: I don't know exactly, but a magazine would weigh more than what I want to send.
Clerk: Exactly how much is more?
Me: It doesn't matter, does it? If I pay for more, then the US postal service is getting more money than it's supposed to be getting, so it should be happy.
Clerk: Exactly how much is more?
Me: What? You can't measure "more", it's not an absolute value.
Clerk: Exactly.
Me: OK... So let's say I were to go away now and buy a magazine and ask you how much it would cost to send it to England, could I do that?
Clerk: Yes. Why are you picking up those change of address forms?
Me: Let's suppose — just suppose — that I wanted to send a magazine that weighed the same as these forms to England. Could I do that?
Clerk: No.
Me: Why not?
Clerk: Because your magazine wouldn't weigh exactly the same as these forms. You'd need to bring the magazine into a post office and get it weighed.
Me: OK, well let's say that I wanted to send these forms to England, and that it was allowed to send them to England, even though I'm not going to send them, I'm just going to put them back into the holder once you've weighed them. Could I do that?
Clerk: No.
Me: Why not?
Clerk: Because you'd need to fill in a customs declaration form, and you'd need to write on the form the kind of merchandise you were sending, and US postal service change of address forms are not classified as merchandise.
Me: If they were, could I send them.
Clerk: They're not.
Me: But if they were?
Clerk: You'd need a customs form.
Me: OK, well can you weigh these forms, tell me how much it would cost me to send them to England if it were allowed to send them to England, and give me a customs form that would work for a sheaf of papers.
Clerk: I'll give it to you, but it's not going to work.
Me: Why not?
Clerk: It's just not going to work, I'm telling you.
Me: Well I'm willing to waste some money trying.
Clerk: Six weeks or 47 days?
Me: 47 days?
Clerk: Four. To. Seven. Days.
Me: I'll go for the four-to-seven days, please.
Clerk: You'll need to fill in a customs declaration form.
Me: Yes, OK, I'll take one of those please, and an air mail sticker.
Clerk: No air mail sticker.
Me: Why not?
Clerk: Nine dollars fifteen cents.
Me: Why not?
Clerk: Nine dollars fifteen cents.
Me: OK, well here's ten dollars. Let me see if I have the fifteen cents.
Clerk: I can't accept the fifteen centss.
Me: Why not?
Clerk: Because the till is already open.
Me: If I give you the 85 cents you give me as change, plus another fifteen cents, could you give me a dollar bill?
Clerk: 85 cents change and your receipt.
Me: I don't get to swap all these coins for a dollar bill?
Clerk: Till's closed now, sir.
There were 5 people behind me waiting by the time we were finished.
Stroppy, uncomprehending sales staff ... it's almost enough to make me feel homesick.
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Copyright © 2006 Richard Bartle (richard@mud.co.uk).